grad student by day.

my still life.

2012-02-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

V day, around these parts

now that i've joined the 21st century professionally, ripped my soul back from the federal government and can blog on the regular, i am finally going to organize my passionate, yet slightly schizophrenic, ramblings around here. i am forcing myself to blog 4 times per week in regular categories. yikes. first up: mondays (or really late on tuesdays), i will post "my still life". self-explanatory, it is my week in pictures. i spend an embarrassing amount of time on instagram, following people, lusting over their photographed lives. so i'm bringing that addiction here.

this week was particularly photo-free, as it was my first proper week at the new job and i spent a great deal of time pinching myself because i am so happy there. working with a group of women who want to similarly change the world, don't take themselves too seriously, AND eat an exorbitant amount of chocolate during the workday while being silly and sweet and genuinely interesting? it's kind of unbelievable. i feel like i'm jinxing things, but geeeez, I LOVE MY JOB.

all photos are from this weekend and V day, both particularly good. saturday night, especially, was exactly what i needed. sunday was all about recuperating: egg sandwiches in bed, much-needed coffee, and lazily exploring the city. V day was all about enjoying it in tongue-in-cheek fashion: while david and i don't really go in for the glitter hearts and red overdose, it's the most important day of the year for our 4-year-old, so we play along. i came home to flowers, prosecco, a super cute costume ring i've had my eye on for a while, and SO MUCH excitement as violet regaled us with stories about her amazing day, while clutching all of her valentines and chocolates.

saturday night prosecco: becoming a bit of a ritual?

the only way to express V day love: medically

straciatella and arugula pizza, heaven

dances with ponies

weekly car ride to the east end

roasting piles of tomatoes

blood orange panna cotta

cocoa addict

* listening to: first aid kit ~ the lion's roar

...

2012-01-29T13:50:00.000-08:00

celebration, 2012 #471

there's been a lot of celebratin' going on around these parts as of late. above, the early hours of celebrating at my second home (terroni) on friday. earlier that day, at 4:30 to be exact, i took my soul back and left the worst workplace on earth. and yes, i think i am actually an authority on shitty workplaces at this point. and, contrary to what i had expected when i gave notice TEN weeks ago, i will not be unemployed come tomorrow morning. i'm moving on to a fantastic organization and have high hopes that i may find some shred of professional happiness there. awkwardly, however, as my first order of business at the clinic, i'm heading out of town for 3 days of training with my new boss and my new team of court support workers. it's going to be quite the initiation.

an extra bit of good news in leaving the old job is that i can get back to blogging. 75% of websites were blocked at DOJ and i could only access email, facebook, pinterest*, etc. via my iphone, while standing on a chair in the corner of my office, holding the phone to the west wall. seriously, i couldn't receive calls, texts or emails anywhere near first canadian place unless i was standing in this awkward position and that only worked about 2 times out of 5. it was pretty grand, i won't lie. at the end of hating everything to do with my career each day, i didn't have much energy left to blog by night time. also, to be fair, i haven't had much of substance to blog about. i've been doing a gluten/alcohol/dairy-free cleanse each week from sunday to thursday, and then going a bit "girls gone wild" on weekends. there have been many raucous nights out until 5 am, coupled with 5 nights straight of working out, eating like a bird, and then falling asleep on the boy by 9. like i said, life's been GRAND. but it's been kind of unbalanced. here's to finding some sort of balance this month.

*my new obsession. you too can lust after my favourite things at my pinterest page.

listening to: ema ~ california

2011? i request a do-over.

2011-12-22T12:18:00.000-08:00

this year? this year was kind of shit. it hurt the people i love and it hurt me. Life, you kind of screwed this one up. and the one song that got me through your clear fuck-up was florence: "shake it out". this song was my mantra for the past several months. i would listen to it at full volume dancing on the elevator at work. i would listen to it at full volume while biking home at 3 am, drunk, after seeing the friends i love most. i would listen to it quietly at 3 am, while i tried not to cry at the injustice of all of this drama that so many of us have been going through. but mostly i would listen to it and think of all of the people and circumstances that have walked ALL OVER ME this year. if i hear the phrase, "i know things are bad right now, but please don't get me involved" one more time, things will get drastic around these parts.

goddamn, if i don't love and care for everyone who has come into my life. i have one consistent quality to me, and that's passion. i passionately love and am loyal to anyone who i bring into my life. therefore, i am passionately undone by so many people who just take it all for granted.

so, at year's end, i am reflecting. and yes, florence plays loud in my ears. and what have i learned from florence at the end of this year?

every demon wants his pound of flesh, but goddammit, i am going to keep some things to myself.
yes, i have been a damn fool, and, yes, i have been blind. and yes, i can never leave the past behind.
but to be clear, i know that i am always dragging that horse around. but tonight, my loves, tonight i am going to bury that damn horse in the ground.
because, now? now, i'm going to dance. because I am done with my graceless heart. and I'm most certainly done with all of these devils on my back. tonight, my loves, i'm going to shake you all off.

for now, today, all of these battles are done. the heartbreak i have suffered and i have witnessed in the people i love ~ it's done. we are good, damn loyal people. so, we're going to start next year a-new. all of us. but this is it life - the next move is yours.

nesting.

2011-11-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

we're sort of heading into winter (darkness-wise, the weather isn't terribly cold yet), so the boy and i have become a bit nesting-obsessed. each weekend, we take on another big project to renovate/redecorate our house. i'm falling more and more in love with our tiny strange home, and while i figure out what the hell to do with my life professionally-speaking (my workplace has become so toxic that i'm giving notice tomorrow and have all my fingers and toes crossed that i have a new job by xmas), there's nothing more cathartic and giggle-inducing than breaking things down and building new beautiful pieces and places with my favourite person in the world.

above: our new dining area. an old piece of wood (yet to be stained) + modern-industrial legs = gorgeous hipster cafe-style table in my favourite style: french-industrial {yes, i coined this term - it's a little vintage mixed with a little modern (without all the cold, rigid styling) mixed with some french-country (without all the cheesy traditional touches). it's a term, people.} the current chairs are old $20 ikea pieces of crap, which will be replaced with modern, white cafe chairs. total cost, including 4 chairs = $350.

next up, the living area below - it needs some updating. but violet is welcome to stay.

2011-11-02T16:05:00.001-07:00

there are no words needed in life except to say that florence is.... just beyond sickly talented. this song especially from the new album makes me bike hard every morning, keeps me singing off-key in grocery lines, and causes me to break out in a smile and dance like a fool in the elevator at work.... to the point that i've been stopped several times by co-workers who remark in awe that i appear... happy. i tell them that it's just the magic of florence, that i'm still not long for that place. i have a few tiny pans in the fire. fingers crossed one of them works out. but if not, i've got my boy, my girls, my people and my florence. and i appreciate that i'm the only girl in the world who has this many amazing reasons to dance...

2011-10-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

via here

lately, my thoughts have been hijacked by sun-drenched sepia tones, the smell of the desert, the sounds of the road, and the feel of the hot sun reflecting off the asphalt, as The Boy holds my hand and drives us far away from here.

can i have a new job? also, brooklyn/nyc pix. most.concise.title.ever.

2011-10-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

all pics from my iphone: brooklyn/nyc, thanksgiving weekend

this job... it just kind of sucks all of the creativity out of me. that's the only reason i can think of to explain why i haven't blogged in over a month. that, and the fact that the goddamned government has almost all webpages blocked at work and i can't access anything other than

f-cking quicklaw or the weather network.

i blame the job, because the fact is that i've been living an incredibly interesting life. i've had adventure upon adventure and have been doing a lot more smiling than not. i've managed to either get out of town or get out on the town every weekend and have the dark circles and giddy memories to prove it. i spent thanksgiving blissfully roaming brooklyn and nyc with girlfriends, did almost nothing that counts as cultural, but damn if we didn't meet every pretty boy in williamsburg and dance on tabletops, drinking expensive cocktails and smoking terrible american cigarettes.

i am fighting the urge to get more tattoos. it's like the more conservative i must appear on the outside, the more i have to secretly rebel, just to keep myself from throwing up.

all of this to say.... i need a change. i'm not a federal prosecutor, no matter how many times i try to laugh off comments such as "wow, you have tattoos? and you went to law school? and you want to work here?", or "wow, your fashion is really interesting.... you don't consider wearing suits to work?", or "what's that music you're listening to? i don't go to concerts much.... what's that band you say you saw last night? kind of a weird name, non?". I just... I need to be surrounded by people who i don't have to explain wolf parade, frye engineer boots or half-sleeve tattoos to. even just one person? c'mon.

these people aren't bad. i just need a place where i belong and where i can be passionate about what i do. like, it's not weird to dance around your office while writing a factum JUST BECAUSE the new frightened rabbit song came on and it's f-cking amazing ("f-ck this place", look it up - it's their best song in 2 years). that's cool. it's totally normal.... if you have decent taste in music and aren't dead inside.

* listening to: feist ~ the bad in each other (can we talk about how much i can't STAND feist, but accidentally fell in love with this song off of her new album?)

after an afternoon of drinking on the rooftop of the Met, not looking at art... but looking at boys and the view and a bottle of wine.

am in love with the highline, and sarah.

self-portrait, at the brooklyn flea (williamsburg site)

greatest place on earth: hotel delmano bar. signature gin elderberry cocktails, on the house. probably our 6th round of the night? we were fairly happy at this point.

always, always, always drink for a few hours on the rooftop of the Met before you wander through the actual art. things are much more jovial.

please. enough said.

2011-09-15T17:27:00.001-07:00

5 songs that you should be listening to on crazy repeat this late summer/early fall

(let's not even talk about how i was running around the beach last weekend, barefoot in a tiny sundress, and then found myself biking to work wearing MITTENS this morning):

* radical face ~ welcome home

(i listen to this song on repeat almost every night and damn if it doesn't make me cry every time)

* bombay bicycle club ~ shuffle

(hated this song the first 100 times hipster music people told me i'd love it... and then, i listened long enough for the bridge to happen. and, well, i'm a sucker for a brilliant bridge)

* frightened rabbit ~ fuck this place

(have listened to this song at least 30 times today alone. LOVE)

* handsome furs ~ serve the people

(just... there are no words. i love dan more than most types of cheese. and their recent tour through north america? if you missed it, i feel bad for you. it was one of the best concerts i've ever attended)

* justin vernon ~ easy

(again, pre-bon iver justin is sickly talented)

life lately has been a blur, it's been so damn busy. a few pictures of note below. i'm currently on hour #47 of working straight on a factum for a stay motion (okay, there was that tiny break last night when i went to a friend's cd release party and drank a litre or two of wine and danced around like a nut, but i was checking my blackberry the whole time, so... it counts as work, non?). the factum gets filed at 11 am tomorrow, and then i get to go back to daydreaming about my upcoming trip to nyc, fall fashion (HELLO lace & jersey in the same piece of clothing: where have you been all my life?), recently purchased tickets to the national and mumford & sons, and a long weekend of lounging around with loved ones and perhaps some more wine.

cause times.... they are a-changing.

2011-08-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

i often wonder how, later on, i'll remember a time in my life. will i remember only the bad moments, sticking out like sore thumbs? or will i finally FINALLY be the optimist that i strive to be, holding these priceless memories like rose-coloured polaroids, all hazy and fuzzy and much too-faded for such recent times?

i need to break free for a bit. this summer has been hectic and beautiful but all-too-crazy for this desperate heart. i was supposed to be in LA next weekend and, truth be told, i still desperately need that vacation. i may need to plan a last-ditch effort out of town. LA, montreal, nyc, whatever. i kind of need a break. if the boy finally succumbing to pneumonia wasn't enough of a sign... what the hell am i waiting for?

however - looking back, already, i see the beautifully crazy moments of this summer rising to the top: moments on the sides of highways, laughing hysterically at inside jokes that really make no sense in reality; dancing, late night, in the middle of the street, to songs that never otherwise would have been danced to; locking eyes with good friends across a room, instantly knowing the meaning of a random phrase and agreeing that *this* moment, above all others, absolutely demands to be recognized and documented.

in the words of my ridiculously precocious toddler, violet (always uttered the moment we've settled into a movie or dinner in a nice restaurant): "we gotta get out of this place, mama". yes, violet. we do. you're right: we need a break.

* listening to: justin vernon ~ ring out (who knew that bon iver was infinitely more talented as a solo artist, just starting out, in his basement, making limited edition demo tapes? this weekend, i promise to either throw down that demo tape i keep threatening, or i'll finally FINALLY start writing that damn novel. life is speeding up and apparently owes me no favours.)

so, it's been a while...

2011-08-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

primrose hill, triple exposure with my trusty diana mini

i haven't blogged in what feels like years. it's been a bit of a whirlwind busy!busy!busy!constantly!crazy! state of affairs for a while now. lots of little trips, concerts, nights out, working (what feel like) long hours at the new job, lying in bed and giggling with the family... just lots of things that, while absolutely wonderful, haven't inspired me to write THE POST that would kick-start my blogging itch again. each time i would come up with an idea to write about, i'd scrap it, because, really, a girl better blog about something interesting when she's left people waiting so long. and there will be... Soon. soon, this blog is about to become something much bigger. i need to finally jump and give blogging a real chance. daily updates, finally joining that twitter thing, really see if i can cut it at this writing thing.

why this change of pace? well, as per usual, i'm lost professionally. yes, i can actually feel you all roll your eyes and hear you say "again??? meg, what the hell is wrong with you?" BELIEVE me, I KNOW. but, hear me out.

i genuinely like the people i work with and do not hate my job. i know: finally! so what's the problem? well, i still have that empty feeling inside, which leads me to conclude that perhaps law just isn't my gig. so, since i'm on a one-year contract ending next june, and i swore to my ridiculously supportive husband that i would not leave another job before my contract was up, i have about 10 months to figure out what the hell to do with my life. i intend then to take the summer off and travel with The Boy and the kids to barcelona, paris, the south of france, and all across italy. we're going to rent cars and houses on beaches and race around europe barefoot and giddy. but before i go, i HAVE to have something figured out career-wise. this is my deadline. the vacation of a lifetime with the people i adore. if that doesn't inspire, then i will gladly volunteer to be hospitalized because there will be something truly wrong with me.

career-wise, i have two ideas, neither of which i am confident i could ever pull off. one involves finally starting that elusive perfect little café. the other involves building up a writing profile, blogging part-time and taking legal aid certificates part-time, doing cases i really care about, but that kind of fail to pay the bills. i have the next 10 months to get one of those plans in order and already running before the steady, wonderful paycheques run out...

ugh, tomorrow i'm OLD. i don't get why my birthday isn't a national holiday yet, but wherever you are, have a glass of wine for me and cross your fingers that this year i finally figure out what i want to be when i grow up? cause i think the jig is pretty much up: i'm a damn grown-up.

all that is gold does not glitter...

2011-06-26T15:19:00.001-07:00

~j.r.r. tolkien

things are just so lovely right now. and i have some news. brace yourselves.

i love my new job. it is intellectually satisfying; the hours, pay and dress code rock; and the people are pretty awesome. it is not dysfunctional, and it's also not boring or politically correct. that's a hard balance to strike.

for so long, i've been so lost professionally. i basically had everything else i wanted in life. but i'm a career-girl and it was starting to take a toll - this meandering path i've been wandering since i left the human rights commission. now, i've found a place. it may not last forever and i may grow to hate it some days, but it's enough for me to put some roots down and stop wandering, at least for a little while.

i'm smiling again. it's been too long.

*listening to: bon iver ~ calgary (the new album is... just so much better that i could have hoped for. have a listen if you've missed out.)

london-town.

2011-06-14T04:57:00.001-07:00

home from london. currently in the traditional post-vacation depression. life is so lovely when one can wander a town with her Boy, stopping in at any dark pub she wants, eating many steak & ale pies (with a side of deep-friend pickles) before 1 pm, drinking reasonably priced yummy wine (hear that toronto?) and just talking (in fake bbc-documentary british accents) and reading for hours. and then wandering, tipsy, through winding, cobblestone streets, while giggling together over new-found inside jokes.

i think that might be the best indicator of a great vacation - the creation of inside jokes that will last a lifetime. ugh, i want to go back. traveling with The Boy is hands down my favourite adventure. we have way too much fun together...

London in pictures, part I (iphone pics, waiting for film to be developed)

hated the thought of the london eye, but weirdly fell in love with it

the view from primrose hill

wine & hipsters on primrose hill at sunset

after all that wine, on primrose hill

notting hill

near the entrance to portobello market

record album cover shots in kensington

becoming marianne faithfull in chelsea

becoming jason bourne in waterloo station

south bank

tower bridge

houses of parliament

wheatgrass shots in borough market (to compensate for the 85 steak and ale pies eaten the night before)

birthday bourbon brownie in soho

hipster nyc-diner in soho

groundbreaking news

we broke one of these rules

royal graffiti

quote from one of my very favourite books

Regent's Canal

ooh la la.

2011-05-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

driving home from the cottage, too soon, after a lovely weekend (pics coming soon)

it's been a loud spring. loud, volatile and racing against the clock. it's been filled with moments that were all at once, and yet never at the same time, dark, beautiful, frightening, exhausting, hysterical and liberating. i have the loveliest people surrounding me. these people are intelligent, hilarious, sarcastic, neurotic, imperfect and perfect at the same time, and supportive to the very end. in short, while i have never made it easy to love me and be in my life, these people stay and they make my life incredibly rich and worthwhile. and then there's been the rain. she's like an independent character in my life now. i will never understand how people live in the pacific northwest. while the winters may be milder, this constant rain - she is trying her hardest to quash my spirits. but she's also providing the perfect backdrop to some serious decision-making and life changes.

yesterday, i made a decision in a way i never have before. i went against my gut and my passions and chose the decision that scared the hell out of me. my stomach has been in knots for as long as it's been raining. i took a huge leap toward practicality and rationality and "the big picture" and picked the decision that was not safe. it does not immediately line up with my self-image (only slightly egotistical, of course, i view myself as a rogue social justice advocate). It does not line up with my politics or my passions (i will be working as an agent of a conservative government). But what it does is give me the skills that i need to become the

lawyer i one day hope to be.

Returning to legal aid was a safe choice. i believe in the cause and i don't feel as if i have to compromise myself (generally). But I don't learn anything new there. I've already been a criminal defense lawyer, a family lawyer, a human rights lawyer and worked in poverty law policy. Those skills I have. They can certainly be made stronger and better, but ultimately there are other skills I need to work on that legal aid won't give me. I won't do trials or appeals or carry cases through to the end unless I either return to the clinic system or jump into the bigger world of litigation.

After many recent nights of lying awake at 3 am, trying to subtly wake the boy up to comfort my fear of making this decision, I've figured out something about myself. I firmly believe that when a girl follows her gut and picks the safe decision, one where things won't change too much, and she knows generally how things will turn out, then she never ends up challenging herself or risking greatness. For some decisions, the safe decision is the best one, of course. One shouldn't be chasing risk in all aspects of her life. But when the rest of her life is fairly stable, and she's trying to build something, like a great career - the risky decision may well be the best one.

And so, there's my decision. I want to be a great lawyer one day, fighting significant and grand cases, and making change in this world. I can't get there without higher-level training and skills. So, i'm taking the leap.

Fingers crossed so damn hard.

oh? and less than 2 weeks until LONDON. yeah, baby.

*listening to: nightingale/december song ~ sunset rubdown

2011-04-28T16:11:00.001-07:00

via here

well, we finally did it. after a crazy amount of negotiating and planning, at some point next month, the boy and i are running away.

for 5 days, we will race across the pond to london, where we will have a whirlwind kid-free, job-free, drama-free long weekend. it didn't seem like this trip could happen... we had to find childcare, a cat-sitter, a dog-sitter, crazy cheap flights, a super cheap flat to stay in, and the resolve to drop everything and spend much-needed hours together, far far away from real life.

for 5 days, we won't sleep, we'll eat and drink on a shoestring budget, wander through the markets and museums of our childhoods, dance in the street in the early early morning hours, talk and laugh until we're hoarse and our faces hurt from smiling so hard, and, most importantly, get into the kinds of adventures one can only have with her partner-in-crime for life.

* listening to: young rebel set ~ if i was

it's been a while.... & vacation pix.

2011-04-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

paradise @ sunset.

*things may be falling into place for me professionally (fingers crossed). i am hopefully signing a contract for a new job starting at the end of june. if i do this, i will leave my current position at the end of may, get some time off (i've never had more than a few days off between accepting and starting a new job), hopefully jet to london, england for a few days alone with the boy while he is there on business; then am trying to work in a trip to hong kong to visit a beloved and much-missed part of my life. am also planning our annual family vacation to nyc this summer, then a girls' weekend in LA in September, coinciding with a national concert (um, and sarah? i very much want you part of that trip. it's the NATIONAL. and LA. get over your judgment - you will love that town as much as I do by the time we leave). so.... a whole lot of perfection and adventure coming up.

*it's amazing how much a tv show or movie can make you fall in love with a song that you had long forgotten. i've been listening to start a war again after a long break. and it was the brilliance of friday night lights that turned me back on to it. season 5? you make me cry. in all the best ways. i admit that i lost faith in season 3 and didn't fully watch season 4. but you have won my heart all over again. why dancing with the f-cking stars stays on the air while you are canceled makes me homicidal.

*my dad is not doing well. thank you all for your lovely messages checking in on me (and for those who haven't asked, like every one of my in-laws during a one-week vacation recently? Stay classy, Maxwells.) the news is pretty grim but i am trying to be supportive and present and help my parents all that i can whenever they need anything. there's not much else i can do at this point. i have learned that i am very good at making people laugh in hospital wards. untapped potential: who knew?

*it's been pretty hard on the boy and i since we returned home. we celebrated our ninth anniversary over the weekend.... overshadowed by his family's actions in mexico, but we got through it. or rather, i got over myself. i don't know why or how it happened, but i've never felt lower and more like trash than when i'm around them. it's hard when you expect a group of people to be your family, and they're just... not. i'm sure i caused this by being totally unlikeable and inappropriate for their son, but still... when a 3-year old figures out what's going on and her mom has to explain, it's just f-cked up. i've undoubtedly made everyone immensely happy by taking myself out of the equation. i'll probably never see them again, but i hope that the boy and my girls can continue in a good relationship. i've always gotten along really well with boyfriends' families. it's pretty unfair that the family of the boy i adore had to be the exception.

and now: mexico in all her crazy and beautiful moments...

beach entertainer

the dead, protecting the beach of the dead

so many limes died in our pursuit of the perfect margarita

worst beach waitress, ever.

beach of the dead, graffiti

pretty ladies, sunset on the beach

vintage nicole

message from nicole: the beach is that way

my freakishly gorgeous daughter, and no, she wasn't drinking. but we share clothes now, so things are getting a bit sketchy...

blue skies.

2011-03-19T06:51:00.001-07:00

in the past 48 hours, life just.... changed. the sun came out, i opened all the windows for the first time in 4 months and things just started to fall into place. after a week of hustling and interviewing repeatedly, i landed a (seemingly) amazing job. starting monday, i am a policy lawyer working on access to justice issues. kind of the perfect role for me. my fingers are very much crossed that this works out.

i stayed out all night thursday, laughing and dancing and running through the streets. yesterday, the boy and i took advantage of the perfect weather and biked around town, shopping and wandering and catching ourselves with huge goofy grins on our faces.

in a little less than two weeks, i'm off to mexico, where i get the best of both worlds - some fabulous time during the day with family and 7 straight nights of dancing and staying out all night with girlfriends and the boy (i'm hopeful that the extended family is supportive of the boy and i having kidless date nights out alone). combining a family vacation + alone time with the boy + girls getaway on a beach sounds like it just might be the perfect cure for the past few months.

there are blue skies right now in my life, and i'm going to take advantage of every moment.

untitled.

2011-03-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

for the past month, i’ve been barely existing – i get up every morning, force myself out of bed, and try to get through the day, hour by hour, without completely falling apart. there has been SO. MUCH. bad news. news affecting the people i love, and news affecting me. and there have been pretty terrible life experiences and life lessons. and, to top it all off, finding out that a friend that i believed was there for me just isn’t. out of the blue, with no explanation.

without realizing it, and without any hope that i could do it, i seem to have gotten through the month. one of the darkest on record. recently there have been moments of spontaneous hope and seriously unexpected smiles. somewhere along the way during this turbulent winter, i built up an armour that prevented people from getting in. i fortified it with too much wine, smoking at 3 am, and forgetting to really eat for days at a time. but, it’s slowly disappearing. i’ll catch myself smiling and feel so strange, and wonder how i forgot what it felt like to not have complete control over when and how i feel pain and react to life.

for some time, things are going to continue to be harder than i can handle. i know this. i am going to have to hustle like crazy to fix some pretty shitty life circumstances. but, letting go of the notion that i can control all of this and go it alone, letting go of the famous megan-control over every aspect of her life, it makes it a little easier to get out of bed. and it makes the strange sensation of smiling a little less foreign.

Needless to say, this song has been on repeat.
* Listening to: antony & the johnsons (with lou reed) ~ fistful of love

2011-03-06T14:17:00.001-08:00

new strokes. SO good.

feeling a little better about life. apparently the magic cure for crappy life circumstances is staying out until 4 am 2 nights in a row, finding laughter in dark pubs, good friends, seriously amazing kids, being married to the greatest boy on earth, tequila and impromptu dance parties in the snow.

2011-03-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

fuck, things are hard right now. they start with my job turning out to be the worst decision of my life, my hustling my butt off this week to get out of the position and into anything else, and end with finding out my father is dying of cancer. and that's where they stay. with my dad. who i've always been closest to. and who i don't know how to live without. friday, i will sit in the hospital with him, while more tests are taken, and read the new yorker to him, quote seinfeld, be generally snarky and sarcastic about the world, and get all leftist-elitist about current events.... these are the things he taught me well. i realize, rather naively at this point, that these are the things i'm best at...

2011-02-24T14:11:00.001-08:00

somehow, this is getting worked into my new quarter-sleeve tattoo...

4 things.

(1) there are no words re: new job. it.... involves dealing with a handful of clinically insane power-hungry and lazy weirdos. which, if you have any experience with legal aid, sums up most of the managers. worst combo of characteristics on earth. BUT, the job also involves helping people who have no one else to turn to in the most desperate times in their lives. *that* is the reason i turned down the federal gov't job deporting people. i keep telling myself that i am making a small but positive difference in the world. this is a really important job. that is what keeps me going through all of the crazy. for now. which leads me to #2.

(2) i am starting my own law practice. i mean, i knew i couldn't stay in this role forever. this position is ideally for a new lawyer, not someone who has already carried litigation files for a few years. the role has been made more limited than it probably should be. which i guess is why once one has learned the basics, most people move on. which is unfortunate, because it's such an important job. I'll stay until christmas, learn everything i can about family law, and then i will take the plunge i have been too scared to take for the past 3 years: start my own law practice (or, ideally, find someone to start one with me). SO scary. but i realize now that it's necessary. i want to do poverty law. but i also want to do trials and carry files and actually see things through to the end. also, i can't keep working for unhealthy mad-women.

(3) the phenomenal part of my job? I'm out of the office before 4 because no one at the courthouse believes in working past then. kind of fantastic.

(4) i fell off the diet-wagon last weekend in all of the celebrations. and two bikinis arrived today in the mail. i can't say i was happy with the trying-on process. however, what makes me VERY happy is that i've managed to turn next month's family vacation to mexico into also being a girls' vacation week with friends. LOVE that there will be girlfriends in sayulita to hang out with that week.

2011-02-17T13:50:00.001-08:00

things are so good right now. i just want to freeze this moment and live in it for a while. i go back to work (!!) as a legal aid lawyer on tuesday. but first - first there are 4 straight nights of celebrating ahead. it's a 4-day weekend for us, and we're going to take full advantage of the spring weather and time off. there will be a bigger update soon, all about upcoming trips, roller derby (which i'm loving, even though it kicks my ass and takes up most of my weekends), going back to blonde (it was really time), and crazy adventures with friends and family. but for now, i'm going radio silent to wander this town with the boy (and maybe the kids), date nights without the kids, and a lot of lying around in bed. if my weekend is half as hot as the amazing first poster for "one day", i'll be happy.

* listening to: horse feathers ~ eyes full of rose

9 years ago, and V-day

2011-02-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

9 years ago, i was listening to this very song and wallowing in the knowledge that i'd never win david's heart. now, i know that i'm alone in thinking this is one of the greatest songs ever written. but i'm pulling musical superiority on those who disagree. i have 15 years of classical training under my belt, with the highest level of piano, violin and music theory certification from the royal conservatory of music. and that i worked as a fairly successful dj for 4 years. people, i know my music. it's probably the only thing that i do know. and this song, both structurally, and composition-ally (by elvis, willie nelson and the pet shop boys) is damn brilliant. so just give it a chance already.

but i digress. 9 years ago to this date, i was dancing in phil's, a terrible little seedy underground bar that all UW undergrads congregated in. and i was dancing with my best friend, at a valentine's day club night, both of us fighting off the sting of being ignored by the boys who owned our hearts. and after many gin and tonics and many cigarettes and many many bad indie songs, this song came on. and it woke us up and made us angry. and demanding. and made us fight for the things we both wanted and needed. this is the night that i started fighting for david.

i knew i loved david the moment i met him. in october 2001, my best friend introduced me to him in a coffee shop. and from that moment until april 16, 2002, i couldn't speak in full sentences. i couldn't breathe properly. nothing sounded, tasted or felt right in life. i didn't sleep, i couldn't focus on school work. i got the worst grades of my life - a straight semester of B's. everything i knew in life felt incomplete. and it took FOREVER to make him realize that i loved him. he now claims that he didn't believe that someone like me would fall in love with someone like him. i contend that he always knew how wanted he was and was measuring his options. i lost two amazing girlfriends when he and i started dating because he was the most coveted boy in a campus of 40,000. but, he was oblivious - and this is one of his most amazing qualities. he will never know just how gorgeous, smart, charming and brilliant he is.

and again, i digress. this day, this stupid valentine's day holiday that i've never celebrated romantically (even though i've always (technically) been in a relationship when it came around), this day that i believe should only celebrate the love we have for all the people in our lives, not the contrived and tacky romantic couples' night (if you do celebrate this night in the traditionally tacky way, please don't tell me - i will judge), it means something historically to me that i never realized until "always on my mind" came on my iphone shuffle while i was walking home tonight... it was the beginning of my fight to win the boy i love, and for that, i guess i will be a smidgen less curmudgeon-y about the holiday this year.

a smidgen. that's it. the holiday is still embarrassing.

the random...

2011-01-28T18:58:00.001-08:00

via apartment therapy

* i want a library nook like this. The boy and i are deep into wishful conversations about the next house we will live in. we hope to start looking for a bigger house in the next year. same neighbourhood, within a few blocks, but at least twice as big. it's ridiculous to lust after such things.... i live a close to perfect life, with the greatest family in a house that we (and the bank) own in a coveted area of the best city in the country. but it's okay to lust after a little more space, right? and a nook for reading?

* i've been listening to a lot of late 90s punk again. it's taken a long time to let myself go back to that world. those of you who know me well know that i had very good reasons to leave it. but i'm ready to go back for a visit...

* i start roller skating this weekend in derby (last week was just registration). i'm beyond excited. i need to throw myself into something while i figure out the rest of my life. something where i've been promised to be regularly bruised and beaten up. i'm supposed to expect bruises the size of skillets. this shouldn't make me as happy as it does.... here are the 7 tips for fresh meaters that i was just forwarded. i'm in love. with a sport. i can't get used to that...

* i'm positively itching for my next tattoo. i want it to be something like below... but a little more radiohead-art and on my forearm:

* listening to: social distortion ~ reach for the sky

songs to get you through the winter apocalypse...

2011-01-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

david's "injury"

so, apparently i'm a terrible nurse. david "injured" himself at basketball yesterday and i, like the amazing wife that i am, dropped everything to nurse his elbow back to health. or, if you were to listen to his side of the story, i apparently found his injury hilarious, didn't look up from the computer when he was expressing pain and proceeded to mock said pain throughout the evening. well, if i did all of these things, who bandaged him up so well? i'm quite proud of my macgyver abilities in health care. while david likens my bandaging abilities to those of a post-apocalyptic surgeon, i say duct tape is *always* the answer:

i think the bigger question is why, as responsible, loving parents of klutzy children, we don't have a first aid kit in the house.

now, on to more important things: 10 of the best new indie songs to get you through the madness of winter and/or learning everything there is to know about child protection, custody, access and child support law for a second interview next week (is it just me who has to do that?!). All titles link to youtube videos of the songs.

* walk the moon ~ anna sun

* the darchives ~ i do believe i saw stars

* young rebel set ~ if i was

* william fitzsimmons ~ you still hurt me

* king charles ~ love lust

* blisses b ~ regal goodbyes

* cameras ~ break/hands

* rural alberta advantage ~ stamp

* naked and famous ~ punching in a dream

* long walks on the beach ~ i didn't want to make out

my favourite time of day: brunch.

2011-01-19T06:54:00.001-08:00

this morning's amazing brunch (pic taken with my new favourite hipstamatic lens: bettie XL)

one of the best parts of being a grad student/unemployed (hee, is there any real difference most days?) is that you can regularly indulge in the greatest meal ever: brunch. each morning i make myself an amazing little breakfast, which was elevated recently in san francisco when my friend and i decided to go all-out each day in the creation of spicy, eggy foods in our tiny kitchenette with one pan and no useful utensils. it got to the point where we were crying from trying to out-do each other in our jalapeno intake - california jalapenos are wickedly spicy compared to the sad little unspicy ones you get in canada in the winter. add that to the list of reasons why we're moving to california sooner rather than later...

my necessary ingredients for the perfect brunch are as follows:

* eggs: some days they are scrambled, others they are fried over-easy, and on my very productive days, i poach them. also, thanks to the ongoing diet of Winter 2010-11 (i've lost 10 pounds since the middle of December!), i only get one egg each morning.

* spice: i basically only eat spicy food. but when it comes to eggs, they need to be ridiculously spicy - i contend that they are the best vehicle for hot sauces and chili peppers. if i'm feeling lazy, i slice up half a jalapeno pepper on my egg. if i'm productive, i will make a spicy aioli and spread it on a slice of baguette.

* tomatoes: besides spicy food, my other go-to food group is the tomato. i eat them straight, with a little salt and pepper, with pretty much every meal. one of the gazillion reasons i married david is because he won't eat a raw tomato, even if you pay him. seriously, i've tried. the texture makes him physically ill. this used to irritate me, because i felt it was insulting the greatest food on earth. however, i've since learned that this means more tomatoes for me. whenever we go out for food, every dish he orders inevitably arrives with sliced tomatoes (even when he begs for none) which end up in my tummy and make me beyond happy.

* some sort of greens: used to be baby spinach, but my friend got me hooked on breakfast arugala in san francisco and i'm hooked.

* a tiny slice of baguette. see above re the stupid diet of winter 2010-11. i used to eat a bagel every morning (everything bagel, double-toasted with butter), but this would now equal 1/4 of my daily calories, so i reserve bagels for those days that i'm sick/hungover/both.

* strong, perfect coffee. (preferably mexican chiapas from moonbean. i'm not as picky as my lovely coffee-snob friend, sarah, who requires french press coffee. although, if someone is willing to make it for me - i'm very willing to partake).

* sparkling water. vats and vats of it. it's like air to me. i can't get through the day without it. one of the many repercussions of carrying violet inside me for 9 months. see also: constant need for spicy food in order to stay alive.

* if it's an extra-special occasion: mimosas. hands-down, my favourite drink. champagne and orange juice were not meant to exist apart. they are just too good together.

* listening to: jenn grant ~ parachutes

the boy i love & date night

2011-01-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

the boy's attempt at a portrait of his girl

they give freakishly large forks for main dish service...

i'm slightly obsessed with vintage english bathroom-style

the most money ever spent on "jus"

the boy's attempt at a picture....

~

the boy and i had a pretty perfect night last night. it involved a much needed date night at a fantastically overpriced hipster restaurant on ossington (mini-review? place is gorgeous, staff is fantastic, however the food and alcohol is not good enough to justify anything more than half of the jacked-up prices they charged). we cracked ourselves up for much of dinner and then giggled ourselves all the way home... we couldn't justify the cost of a bottle of wine at the restaurant (the cheapest bottle? almost $60), so we settled on $6 pints of creemore. i blame all silliness on said drink. also, the many rounds at crooked star in the hours leading up to dinner (my first, and always, choice, communist's daughter, was full to the brim much earlier than usual). but it was as close to a perfect evening as i've had in a good long while. so much so, that we blew off other invitations just to make each other laugh harder than we had in a while.

* listening to: wye oak ~ civilian

buenos aires through the lens of my diana mini...

2011-01-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

the diana mini takes pictures on regular 35mm film, splitting each 3x5 sheet into two frames, thereby giving you around 72 frames per film. i guess some people get perfectly split pictures, but my shots all bled into the other, sometimes consisting of 3 shots in one frame. i LOVE the effect - these shots are so dreamy. they're like dream-state comic strips. i can't wait to get my san francisco pix developed. although, it's not as colourful a town as buenos aires and permanently overcast. i find my diana does best with expired 400 kodak portra VC film in sunny conditions with colourful subjects, not black and white and overcast.

2011-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

dedicated to karen, on her birthday ~ I MISS YOU!

um, new band obsession. from new zealand. and f-cking addictive. they've replaced kanye for repeatability in our house. i think we've played it 50 times in the past 2 days. expect a lot of new music on this blog over the next two weeks. i'm working through the back catalogue of blalock - a monthly download of approx 110 new indie/rock songs that always manages to surprise me with a few new amazing finds.

i'm currently in the middle of a 5-day cram session, reteaching myself the basics of substantive criminal, family and immigration law for an interview on monday. we're locking ourselves in the house all weekend, watching movies, eating super unhealthy food, drinking wine, me: parked in front of the computer, trying to decrease my study notes from 198 pages to something a bit more manageable. i always thought when i left law school, the days of summaries would be over. i neglected to think about The Lawyer Interview. Weirdly, the more social justice the job, the more the interview is like an oral exam on substantive legal issues. And the less the job pays. If the job were for Bay Street, I would really only be expected to smile pretty and know how to pronounce my name. And wear great heels. And I'd get paid 6 figures to write memos, do document review and fill in spreadsheets. But because it's social justice, goddamn, i had better know my shit in 3 very different areas of law. and appreciate the tiny paycheque if i'm lucky enough to get the job.

tomorrow, we're thinking of taking advantage of a kid-free afternoon and parking ourselves at a pub where The Boy will mock-interview me. i predict some silliness. but it will feel good to get out of my pyjamas for the first time since I got home from san francisco.

i'm back, and new band obsession...

2011-01-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

i'm totally obsessed with this song and the band...

am back from san fran and am already plotting my next escape. i had a (mostly) magical time, and it was perfect timing, as i needed some time to re-evaluate my life a bit. changes need to be made - mainly because it's that time of year that we all revise where we're going and who we are. going to san fran, i had come out of the most awkward week ever. we had such a stressful and largely unenjoyable christmas - we've decided that it's the last time we are traveling to visit all of our extended family. from now on, xmas will be spent in toronto or somewhere warm. this year was just SO damn awkward and strange and after each awkward event, we were all the more tired and sick of being around other people and just wanted to hibernate with our little family unit, so that, by the end, i'm sure we were contributing to the lack of enjoyment. all in all, we never really got a xmas and feel a bit robbed. however, in this silly little household, most days are kind of magical and festive.... we will celebrate throughout the month to make up for the crap-ass december we were given.

to begin the year, i returned home to two fabulous pieces of news - both job-related. things are really starting to look up. fingers crossed i'll have excellent news to post very very soon.

pics of san fran ~ these are also on facebook, so for some of you, there's a bit of duplication. images from my diana camera will follow once developed. i hope to post the buenos aires pix from the diana this weekend. i am so proud of how they turned out...

2010-12-23T05:03:00.000-08:00

our pretty tree

part i of david's xmas gifts

v, tuckered out from being a bossy little toddler

there are these quiet moments in life that i find myself in from time to time. i don't see them coming and always fail to notice when exactly they end. time slows down, i forget what we're all fighting for, i find myself dancing through the day, giggling at the small stuff, holding my favourite people just that much closer. this week has been lived in a daze, with impromptu dance parties, lunch wine!, midnight MST3K marathons, hard-fought board game challenges, inside jokes, and lengthy lounge sessions on the couch.

i hope all of you get one of these moments over the holidays, where everything falls dreamily in to place for a few days and you fall madly back in love with your life.

i'm off now for the holidays, for our traditional family road trip around the province. when i return, a roller derby night at the rhino (please come if you're in toronto on the 27th!), old friends to see, and preparation for the much-anticipated california getaway. also, i will post the dreamiest photos, taken with my diana mini while i was in buenos aires. i am in love with these photos.

a xmas present for you.

2010-12-21T06:08:00.001-08:00

v's first "tattoo"

giant beckett

i had one of the funner weekends in recent memory, however tequila and i are no longer on good terms. i was still a little drunk monday morning from the excessive revelry. but it's xmas, right? there's meant to be late night dancing in the streets, hushed and giggling conversations with friends, and lots and lots of good food.

today, however, TODAY i must be all business. i must finish this xmas shopping. it's gotten down to the same suspects - people i can never really buy for, which says less about me, i think, because if there's one thing i am good at in this world, it's shopping and gift-buying. dave and i are lucky this year - nika is finally at the stage where she can watch violet for a few hours during the day, so we're able to get out of the house child-free, but the LINES in this city are killing my xmas spirit. i was hoping to get everything done yesterday, but the lovely people of toronto disagreed.

now, about that xmas present for my readers. Here are some National demos straight from the producer of Boxer who leaked them online a few weeks ago. They are the demos made at the time of the Vincent Moon movie, a skin, a night, and they are just as unprocessed and beautiful.

finally, it's xmas...

2010-12-17T06:24:00.000-08:00

Love Actually Opening Monologue. from lanthanomai on Vimeo.

if you're a kid or a parent of a school-age kid, you mark the beginning of xmas by the start of school holidays, which is in.... 6 hours. dave finishes work at 5, and is on vacation for over 2 weeks and we are getting ready to celebrate/hibernate/eat and drink until we are merry/and fill this house with gifts & silliness.

to get us started, above is the opening clip from love actually that never fails to get me teared up. i'm a sucker for airport arrivals and hopelessly in love with hugh grant's voice, so the two make me powerless and i get all emotional and hopeful for the world.

this morning, i am baking gougères for nika's school party this afternoon. filling the house with the smell of baking cheese/egg/flour & milk appears to be the final straw for my dieting willpower. i've tried my best to diet all fall, and i'm still 5 lbs off my goal weight, but i think i may have to give in to xmas and just eat, eat, eat. sweet things i can pass on - i love them, but i have willpower (one of the reasons i think i should be a pastry chef), but salt, carbs and fat? hell no.

it's also the ideal time to give in to the festive spirit: dave and i have booked a babysitter both nights this weekend and have dinners, drinks and friends to see... oh, cheese plate: how i've missed you.

love this quote.

2010-12-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

i love no one but you, i have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, i’ll find my way back there. or maybe, one day, i’ll settle for second best. and on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.

via here

2010-12-10T12:44:00.001-08:00

apologies for low-quality, sadly this is the best audio i could get from youtube that included the drums

i had a serious and much-needed fit of the giggles last night, thanks to drinks with hilarious friends. it helped to cut the stress of interview prep when all i really want to do is eat shortbread, wrap presents, lie around watching movies and listen to mumford & sons. they really capture this time of year... the song above is my new favourite - the one below, my previous holiday favourite. If you haven't seen mumford live, do so. they are one of the best shows i've been to in years.

i am having serious flashbacks to law school, when i always seemed to pull the last final exam on the schedule, and would be buried under a pile of textbooks until a few days before xmas, consumed with envy at all those who were able to truly enjoy this time of year.

bah f-cking humbug. back to studying the fine art of deportations...

2010-12-08T13:56:00.001-08:00

i don't sleep when i'm away from home, and i realized that it's because i can't sleep without david beside me. i toss and turn and get all sad and achy from insomnia and end up getting sick almost every time i'm away from him. so this morning, after a week of wicked fun but no sleep, i felt amazing because last night i slept more soundly than i can remember, all curled up and cuddled into him. i felt so good, in fact, that as i was photocopying the annotated version of the Immigration Refugee and Protection Act this morning at school, i found myself dancing at the photocopier. several JD students wandered past all freaked out in exam-mode and stared at me like i too had lost my mind to finals. it also helped that i had just discovered this julian casablancas song. i listened on massive repeat, dancing with the photocopier... i dare you not to find yourself doing the same thing. then, when you're done with that? if you're not already listening to the new kanye album, do so. i've listened to it at least 100 times in the past week and it just keeps getting better.

massive pic post about argentina to come. had a wonderful time and fell madly in love with buenos aires. first, however, i have a week of job interviews to get through. and a hell of a lot of lounging with my people.

* listening to: julian casablancas ~ out of the blue

2010-11-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

nika's first official time as jammer (with the assistance of the gore gore rollergirls!) from megan evans maxwell on Vimeo.

i couldn't be prouder - nika (blue helmet with star) had her first real turn as jammer at roller derby today, and the gore-gore rollergirls (toronto derby champions) showed up to train the girls. we all got nervous and shy because we are huge fans of the girls - they are amazing and roller derby rockstars. Nika won her first round as jammer (thanks, in no small part, to her first day wearing contacts - it makes a huge difference. for the first time since she was 4, she has peripheral vision and she's wandering around in awe.)

things are pretty fantastic lately... i'm walking around with a huge smile. there's stress and uncertainty about The Job Search from Hell, but there's also a ridiculous amount of fun and laughter and silly times with fantastic people, most importantly The Boy. he just makes everything in life 1000 times better.

* listening to: the new kanye album. over and over and over. it's beyond fantastic.

help!

2010-11-24T06:23:00.001-08:00

the national ~ terrible love (alternate version) and BEST VIDEO THEY EVER MADE.

i'm running around like a crazy person trying to get everything in the world accomplished this week. and this video? it is what's keeping me going. LOVE that they fixed terrible love and LOVE that they keep getting more and more endearing.

i have a to-do list of a zillion plus one things to do before argentina, including: ~~booking a dog-walker for beckett~~, trying out a new baby-sitter, a looong-awaited date night with the boy this weekend, ~~laundry~~, laundry and then more laundry, ~~submit a draft of my thesis to my advisor~~, meet with said advisor and hopefully have something intelligent to say, finish two contracts for my part-time work, have a telephone interview for yet *another* part-time job, send out FULL-time job applications, see friends, kick this nasty cold that's arrived due to some less than smart decisions i made last sunday, research flights and apartments in san francisco, buy a mini diana camera after my canon had a meltdown, buy more film, lipstick! how did i run out of lipstick again?, find the rest of my summer-y clothes, ~~find who hid my passport and sit on them~~, work on three of the boy's xmas presents - all of which are at least partially handmade and need to be finished and wrapped under the tree by Sunday. GAH. can i just watch love actually over and over again while eating xmas cookies?

2010-11-22T07:16:00.000-08:00

the current view outside my "office"

i am loving all of this grey, humid, mild weather... it has an odd uplifting effect.

i have come to the conclusion that i may need to come up with a plan b for my career. i have been looking for a job now for 3 months, to no avail. i have more experience than most junior lawyers i know and yet i just can't find a job. i have to accept at some point that law just might not be the right place for me. so, as a plan b, i've narrowed my interests down to two choices: teacher's college or pastry chef school. both have pros and cons: teacher's college is only 1 year, whereas pastry chef training is 2 years minimum; pastry chef school is close by and i could bike there; a teaching job would pay *much* more; pastry chef work hours are ridiculous; i would gain a considerable amount of weight if i ate my dessert creations all day long, however i would probably be very happy while doing so...

any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated.

* listening to: nirvana ~ jesus don't want me for a sunbeam

2010-11-16T13:40:00.001-08:00

dave & bex, last weekend

randoms:

* um, is it december yet? i'm ready for november to be over. 14 sleeps until argentina and two of my favourite people: wine, food, wandering, gossip, swimming. LOVE. then it's san francisco with two wonderful friends to see one of my oldest and bestest friends with whom visits are like medicine to cure anything.

* it really doesn't need to be said, i'm sure, but being unemployed is terribly demoralizing. i know that something will happen soon, likely in the new year, and that i should really enjoy this time off and see all of my girlfriends and spend time with my boy and my kids and enjoy the first time in my life that isn't punctuated by deadlines and stress. it's just... hard to keep the spirits up sometimes.

* if i were practical, i would use this time to finish this bloody thesis and actually get a degree out of this last year, but i have to say - every moment that i'm not at u of t and in that program, the happier i get. there's something about that place? so much is unwarranted there... it's just tiring.

* we have a babysitter again. two, in fact. watch out toronto: dave & i are able to paint this town again. starting with wolf parade next weekend. huzzah.

2010-11-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

via here

ok people, it's reached desperate times here in our house. i need a night out with my husband. without our cranky-pants children who, let's face it, are kind of assholes in public. children are like that friend we all have. you know the one - the friend who you never really want to invite out, but have to sometimes and they spend the whole time complaining and needing to be catered to. and this is okay! for the kids to be like this, i mean - not an adult who should be over that stage by now. but this is why taking kids out on a date night just doesn't work. even with our kids, who are the coolest assholes you will ever meet.

anyway, we are so crazy nutso busy around chez evans maxwell that we need a break. and we take breaks - we regularly go out without each other, but... we need a night just for us. our babysitter recently moved to new zealand and we're starting to really feel her absence. we are finally starting the harrowing process of interviewing new sitters this week. i really really really need one of them to work out. i've earmarked this friday for a night out for the two of us. fingers crossed one of the sitters is fantastic and free on that night.

* listening to: jens lekman ~ your arms around me

fRAZZled.

2010-11-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

the girls, sick at home this week with the flu. don't feel bad for them - they were waited on hand and foot and were better within 48 hours.

things here are moving at crazy frazzle-speed. i'm currently working 4 part-time jobs (all legal research, thus no fun, and all requiring more time than fits into a normal work-week), while trying to finish my master's thesis by the end of december. considering i haven't had a moment to work on it in the last 10 days, i'm fairly certain i'm not going to meet that deadline. also, next week dave is taking a 4-day long-weekend around remembrance day, and we're going to enjoy a stay-cation and spend four days roaming the city, sleeping late, lots of my favourite meal: brunch!, partaking in wine and cheese super-early, and a whole lot of slothful-cuddling on the couch.

so, november is flying by at crazy speed and i have a ridiculous amount of contracts to finish before my much-anticipated december, which involves reuniting the new york crew of girls to go to argentina (minus karen. girl: you will be missed more than you know - we will have to have a group-skype with wine); and then, before i know it, it will be my favourite time of year, christmas. i don't believe in god and i hate the snow, but there's something about having the gang of misfits i call my family together at home for two weeks, amidst twinkly lights, hot drinks, too much food, watching xmas-type movies (love actually being our all-time favourite) and that weird feeling in the air that only happens around the holidays.

* listening to: shout out louds ~ the comeback

2010-10-24T16:04:00.001-07:00

saturday night: massey hall for stars

i think it's a good sign to find oneself on a sunday evening, cuddled up on the couch, eating spicy peanut-sesame noodles (hangover food, part III), and giggling over the events of the weekend. many little stories, shared secrets, laughing at 5 am, good music, fantastic plans made for future adventures (including a much anticipated trip to see my nico in san francisco), great food and SO much desperately needed wine. oh, and a decision to ignore my social anxiety and join roller derby this winter. yes, i will be one hot mess of a roller-girl. but it will be worth it.

* listening to: magnetic fields ~ i don't believe in the sun

2010-10-19T18:35:00.001-07:00

via here

&#*@(#, i need to catch my breath. every day, i have more than 20 things that absolutely must be accomplished. lists are taking over my life... i have too many part-time jobs, a thesis to finish, glasses held together with duct tape (and i'm completely blind without them - but who has time to go buy new ones?) and a huge substantive exam to write on thursday for a job with the federal government. as such, i've been trying to re-learn all there is to know about immigration law in the last 24 hours. all for a job that i don't think i could take if it was offered to me... every day, i catch myself wandering somewhere in this big empty city, just sort of lost. i'll see myself in a store window and wonder when the fuck i'm going to figure out what to do to bring some sanity and structure back into my life. that's the bigger question. for now, i just need to make it to thursday at 4. then, the week is over and there will be good friends, concerts, birthdays, drinks, and much sleeping in and cuddling with my three favourite people. i can do it. i have to manage these little hurdles, or it's all over.

* listening to: neutral milk hotel: two headed boy part 2

2010-10-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

nika starts junior roller derby today. i'm so proud. and violet is jealous as all hell. i think V was born to run the world. there's no need to give her skates just yet... if anyone thinks of a good roller derby name for a kick-ass 11-year old, let me know? also, if you haven't seen whip it (above), go now. LOVE that movie.

*

nika is halfway through the hunger games and i realized how jealous i am of people just starting that series. hanging out with katniss everdeen somewhere in post-apocalyptic america is one of my favourite fantasy worlds to be in. goddamn, i loved those books and want to read them again without knowing what happens. if you haven't already read them, you're an idiot. go now.

*

i have an autoshare for 6 hours today. i had my own car from the time i was 17, and one day, kind out of nowhere, up and sold our car two years ago. being without a car in toronto is totally doable, even when you avoid the ttc as much as i do. however, there are times that it sucks. often times involving having children and needing to pick up big, heavy items. however, it makes afternoons with a car a luxury that one does not take for granted.

* listening to: the hold steady ~ constructive summer

Bex.

2010-10-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Beckett, all grown-up at 3 months old. we love her so.

my life as of late, in no particular order...

2010-10-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

thanksgiving 2010

* thanksgiving was fantastic. like, possibly the best ever. dave & i made an amazing meal for our families, i drank my weight in wine and champagne, and got some serious lazy time to just lie around with family.

* dave's family is planning a vacation for us all somewhere warm this winter. that means i will get three trips south this winter. i'm hoping that will help keep my winter blues at bay?

* i have officially dropped out of school. i can't believe it took me this long. it was the best decision i have made in a long time. academia, from what i can tell, is a miserable place to live. since i've dropped out, i've heard that i'm not the only one severely unhappy in that program.

* I am ridiculously shy in public. like, awkwardly and painfully so. i usually cover this up with being slightly obnoxious, drinking too much and/or just being a snotty bitch. however, i'm noticing that more and more, people are approaching me and just wanting to talk. this is concerning. i've cultivated this protective exterior for years... it can't be losing its effect? i'm not good at idle chit-chat. few things scare me more in life than idle chit-chat. especially idle chit-chat with people that may or may not be trying to pick me up.

* my boot addiction is growing. I got a fantastic price on the frye engineer boots below and had to order them. i rationalized to david that every girl needs both a knee-high *and* mid-calf flat black boot. i mean, come on. everyone knows that.

* listening to: liz phair ~ girls! girls! girls!

2010-10-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

goddamn, i have some serious decisions to make. so, i've parked myself on the front porch with my new fall boots, sloane crosley's ridiculously good debut, and a glass or five of wine.

*listening to: rolling stones ~ under my thumb/wild horses (when it's this dire, only the greatest band will do)

** to my amazing friends & family: thank you for your understanding and amazing advice through all of this. i will buy you a GIANT drink when i've decided and have stopped whining.

2010-10-04T14:08:00.001-07:00

via weheartit

getting ready for tomorrow. can tell that it will be a big boots, short black skirt, wool coat, heavy eyeliner, ray-bans on at all times, bangs in my eyes kind of day. while this fashion-fuck-you style is usually reserved for days that i am irrationally hungover, apparently it is equally comforting when i have to defend the useless ideas that my silly little brain comes up with.

*listening to: pixies ~ hey {always and forever, this is my safety blanket song}

2010-10-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

i have to defend my first thesis chapter on tuesday morning. and this weekend... it has drained me emotionally and mentally. dave and i fell apart yesterday and he leaves for nyc today. i know that i cause much of this... what nut goes ahead with killing herself to prepare for a partial thesis defence when she has no intention of finishing the damn thing? i have this weird self-protection mechanism that when my life is falling apart around me and i don't know which way to turn that i go into auto-pilot and just go through the motions of moving forward with my life. and anyone who distracts me from going through the motions gets an earful. it's, sadly, the only reason i have been successful professionally. i have never failed at anything school or career-related. i almost always got straight A's. i had a pretty great litigation record earlier in my career than most. all because of my ability to hyper-focus and ignore the self-destruction going on around me. it's completely unhealthy, but it's the only way i know how to live.

tuesday at 11, it will all be over and i plan to go shopping all afternoon, then maybe early drinks. i need a big break from school. i need to step back and figure out how to move forward and away from this program. i can't keep spiraling professionally. it's taking too large a toll on everyone around me. just because i'm confused and scared doesn't mean i can take it out on the people i love.

2010-09-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

via here

am LOVing autumn. lattes, midday wine, homemade soup, applesapplesapples!, lots of squash and leeks, scones, pie... i've been cooking and baking up a storm, if you can't tell. it turns out that i'm kind of a fantastic cook. it might help that it's autumn in calendar dates, recipes & crisp air and falling leaves only. the weather is still around 18-20 degrees each day.

***

have applied to a few very exciting and promising jobs. am planning two girls' trips: one to argentina, then one to miami. things are really starting to feel like they are turning around. i am ridiculously exhausted each day, but there is this growing smile on my face. it's the little things that are making it impossible for me to remain cynical about life. it also doesn't hurt that i live with the most loving/gorgeous/funniest boy on earth... when things go to shit, i have the greatest support system on earth. (all of my girlfriends out there who tell me this *every* day? i really DO know this, so shut up and let's go for drinks already).

***

also, i am so ready for my next tattoo: it will be on my left forearm - either an old-school anchor, a detailed compass, or a sparse landscape of a power line with birds on it. i can't decide. opinions?

*listening to: blonde redhead & devastations ~ when the road runs out

hang-OVER.

2010-09-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

via smittenkitchen

*somebody* is a little hungover today. to the point that i canceled all plans and lay on the couch all day, watching bad tv and reading. i went out last night, after purchasing plane tickets to buenos aires for myself and the lovely sarah to see the dearly missed and irreplaceable mercedes. i intended to quickly pop in at the pub at 9 and see some friends, including a friend's gorgeous new baby, and ended up wobbling home at 2:30 am, pint still in hand, after sitting on the patio with friends doing shots and drinking pint after pint after pint and laughing for hours. i woke up this morning, incredibly bleary-eyed and looked at the quarter-pint of beer on my kitchen counter, very very confused.

today has involved much hangover food, including the potato-zucchini latkes above, topped with lots of creme fraiche and hot peppers.

note my new favourite song:

Peter Wolf Crier - "Hard as Nails" from Northern Outpost on Vimeo.

*listening to: peter wolf crier ~ hard as nails

2010-09-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

via ffffound

this week is going to be tough. it's going to be a loud-music, boxed-wine, black-dresses & combat-boots kind of week. except tomorrow, when it's going to feel like 31 degrees - then it will be a black-dress/flip-flop kind of day. but you can be sure it will be an angry flip-flop.

i have to beg this week. beg for something i won't get, and am okay with never getting, but am being forced to beg for as a condition of currently having any sort of income. looking back on this past year, i can't believe how disillusioned and unhappy i've become, professionally. i am more lost than i've ever been. i would do anything to get out of U of T. i didn't realize, until recently, just how much this year cost me emotionally. however, the rest of my life has, for the most part, gotten better and better... i guess the cliché about never being able to have it all might be right. it seems that one corner of my life always has to be dragging me down. i guess, if i had to pick, i'd rather it was my career than anything else.

signs of fall...

2010-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

it's always about the boots for me. that, and walking puppy. in a peacoat. it's not cold enough for a peacoat yet, except at night, but whatever. today, my dream black flat boots arrived. i've searched long and hard and finally settled on frye's veronica slouch boots. now, fall can begin.

2010-09-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

i already have 19 must-do things on my to-do list for today. and a toddler who simply won't leave my arms. today's outlook may not be great.

but, i also have a soccer champion in the family, so it all balances out. i feel like iker casillas' proud mama, because nika's soccer team came in first place at the year-end tournament yesterday. SO proud. i really have nothing to do with her success - i couldn't kick a soccer ball if i tried, and david is her team's fantastic coach (who almost had a heart attack during the tie-breaking penalty kicks at the semi-finals game). Really, it's just an amazing feat of science that she didn't inherit my incredible level of awkward-clumsy-klutziness. I may hold the world record for being benched the most during mandatory school sports events.

*listening to: libertines ~ what katie did

for david.

2010-09-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

you + me. always. the rest of the world can fall away.

*listening to: pixies ~ hey

last weekend of summer, in pictures

2010-09-08T07:47:00.001-07:00

perfect weekend. cold and rainy as all get-out, but the food & company & wine & beckett made it all worthwhile. i love these pics, it makes the weekend look totally wholesome and not debaucherous at all. hee.

today, both my daughter and i are old. she's 11, which means that i'm.... older than that. god, i've been a mother for 1/3 of my life. almost my entire adult life has been spent with her. happy happy happy birthday annick.

super fantastic nutritious breakfast this morning.

dave's decorating.

*listening to: pixies ~ monkey gone to heaven

happy end-of-summer long weekend...

2010-09-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

via here

hope everyone has a fantastic end of summer long weekend. we're heading to the cottage, new puppy & friends in tow, hoping to see summer off right. i will be taking my literary crack addiction with me: the hunger games needs to come with a warning on it, because you find yourself losing whole days and nights to these books. hoping to finish the final book by tuesday.

oh, and introducing beckett... i kept hoping to get a better picture, but she's a wild one and never stops moving unless she's passed out. she's like a baby horse - can't keep up with her legs and is sliding and thrashing all over the place. she's almost 9 weeks old, a labrador/australian cattle dog mix, and pretty damn cool. right now, we're in the crate-training stage, so we're up every 3 hours in the night and trying desperately to get her toilet-trained and comfortable being on her own. it's like having a new baby. soon though, we won't be on a strict time schedule and can just run around and play with her whenever we feel like it.

end of summer, boo.

2010-08-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

via here

was eating outside the other day, and a leaf fell from a tree and landed on my plate. i guess this tumultuous summer is finally coming to an end. it's been the best of times and the worst of times, and... just that, i guess. i look forward to autumn and a bit of clarity about what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life.

in a few days, we head to the cottage with friends for a brisk long weekend (seriously, weather: it feels like 41 degrees today but only 18 on saturday?) to celebrate the end of summer and the beginning of my favourite time of year: back to school and beautiful, crisp autumn. the irony is not lost on me that i'm choosing to leave school when everyone else is going back. i refuse to conform, dammit. instead, i will spend the weekend with much wine, laughter and silliness.

2010-08-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

via here

dear life,

seriously?! i must thank you personally for this latest streak of awesome luck you've passed my way. i do love getting up every morning with an ever-growing feeling of dread, wondering what crappy thing is going to happen next. however, after dealing with a clusterf-ck of drama lately, culminating in yesterday's car accident, what with the resulting whiplash and, of course, dealing with toronto's finest, i think i've reached my limit in this Dark Month of Ridiculous. as such, i'm calling in sick to life every day from now until sept. 1. and i'm getting tattooed. i need some control over all this crazy. i will send you the bill.

no love,

meg

2010-08-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

via here

oh gosh, this is my 100th post. and i am posting about something i'm quite embarrassed about, actually.

i've fallen in love.... with a piece of clothing.... from the gap. i didn't know it was possible, but it happened. and, thanks to their wednesday sales in august, i own two pairs of the greatest jeans on earth (in indigo and true black, and i'm going back for the gray). i know, jeans from the gap. there is no end to my disbelief either. the new gap jean leggings are hands-down the most comfortable, slimming and just plain beautiful skinny jean i've ever found (not to mention cheap - on wednesdays, they have been lowering the price from $79 to $54). i consider myself a skinny jean connoisseur. i can't pass a jean store without running in and trying on the best skinnies and either prance around the dressing room, or leave with my head down in shame because i just couldn't pull them off. well, no more. i'm committed to these jeans. i won't look around anymore.

*listening to: smashing pumpkins ~ mayonaise

emma & dexter

2010-08-17T10:16:00.001-07:00

emma & dexter, via here

while in paris, i read a book which has now become one of my top five favourite novels: One Day. i started it on the plane, then promptly lost it on the metro my first day there. i spent the next 3 days going to every english-language bookstore to find another copy. finally, after three days, i found it here (one of my favourite bookstores now) and squealed much louder than parisians apparently care for.

I have never wanted so badly to crawl into a book and become part of the story, which already feels too close to my life story. the movie is currently being filmed in edinburgh, with jim sturgess playing dexter, and anne hathaway playing emma. jim sturgess is sort of my matt berninger of actors. i absolutely adore him*. so i am stalking the movie stills and will be first in line the moment the movie is released...

i gave the book to david to read, and when he got on the plane to calgary yesterday, he only had 100 pages left and told me he was going to finish it on the plane. after i hung up with him, i started to cry. because i relived that fucking ending - the one that breaks your heart. and i knew that he would be reading it while stuck on a plane and have no one to vent to or throw the book at when he realized that, yes, you really could care about characters that much.

fuck, now i'm crying again.

*and may, or may not, pretend that he's my boyfriend in my head

paris pictures, part 2 of 3

2010-08-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

parisian dinner to go

pont des arts, with scott and nina

our lock, on the pont des arts

sunset from the pont des arts

birthday kisses on the pont

i fell in love with all the blue doors around the city

then dave fell in love with a croque madame

david, a little lost in père lachaise cemetery...

these are the last of the iphone pictures... at some point, we stopped taking pictures of everything we saw and just started living like parisians: waking late, wandering all day, and drinking most of the night in the same area in marais. needless to say, these were the best 9 days of my life to date, but that probably had a lot to do with the company...

digital camera and film scans will be posted this weekend.

2010-08-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

via here

i'm desperately in need of some good friend time... i have spent the past 4 days suffering from a stomach flu so bad that i'd rather have the swine flu again, along with norwalk (which is such a joke compared to this virus) and be going into labour. i have literally never been in so much pain. i became so dehydrated, i lost all feeling in my limbs. i missed arcade fire! enough said. what is a bit worrisome is that neither david nor the girls contracted it, even though dave and i share a bed and are never more than 5 feet away from each other and the girls are the messiest, least hands-washing-type people to ever exist. i am starting to second-guess the doctor's diagnosis. flus are highly contagious, from what i recall hearing in media hysteria every season.

what's even more unnerving is that david left for a 4-day business trip today and nika left yesterday for 2 weeks at overnight camp up north. i feel 50% better today, but keep getting waves and collapse again. i also am one-day overdue for a writing contract and have to try and hammer that out, while caring for a toddler. i have no family in town that i can call and no one nearby if something happens to me... god, i'm such a baby when i'm sick. ignore. /end vent

maybe we were never enough...

2010-08-12T05:31:00.000-07:00

via here

i always had a different picture of what 33 would be like. i was going to have some semblance of self-assurance and acceptance of where i'd been and where i'm going. instead, i am fumbling... and quite poorly at that. i am suffering personal, family and professional crises on all fronts. now that i have no career, it takes all the energy i have in this world to get out of bed in the morning... i wasn't supposed to still be lost in my mid-thirties... my kids were supposed to be okay simply because i loved them and provided them with a good life. my family was supposed to stand by me and show a tiny amount of love and respect instead of using my current state of insecurity to belittle me. a good friend told me that this all just might be a product of my yearly dark month. every august, things just fall apart. it's mainly due to me, i'm sure, caused by my depression at getting older. i hope she's right. it's why i choose to run away for as much as possible in august - if i'm away from every day life, things are fantastic. it seems to rush back only when i must return to my routine.

the only thing i know for sure, at this point, is that i thought i had more to show for all my years and experiences, for all the strength i swore i had inside of me, shored up for this moment in time, when i need it more than air.

2010-08-11T04:59:00.000-07:00

happy sweet third birthday to my darling baby violet. i hope you know that you are my calm and my heart in all of this life chaos.

i believe we're off to the toy store to spoil her rotten now.

paris ~ days one through five.

2010-08-08T02:59:00.000-07:00

montmartre

David is sleeping off last night's debauchery (we had far too much fun in a quirky little part of marais), yet i'm weirdly up and itching to get back to exploring today. as such, i'm killing time by doing a quick blog update, mainly to preserve our favourite digital photographs in case our iphones and laptop get stolen or what have you. after the great laptop crashes of march and april 2010, when i lost a significant amount of my memories, i'm backing up like crazy. these are only the pictures taken on our iphones. we are also using two digital cameras and two film cameras, and those pictures will come well after we get home.

We are having the best 9 days of our lives and wouldn't trade this time in for anything. it's kind of better to take a honeymoon-style vacation after you've been together for over 8 years. all of the honeymooners we see are still in that cautious, fragile stage of their relationship, whereas we have years of inside jokes and loving familiarity built up so that we can really just explore this city together with our best friend. don't tell david this, but i think i am even more in love with him after this trip.

oh, and proof that paris makes everything better? i received some fairly terrible news while i've been away, and while it tripped me up for the better part of an afternoon, i've put it in perspective and moved on. basically, however, i need to start looking for a job the minute i return home. paris has been incredibly good for the soul-searching, and i've decided to leave school and go back to work. no matter how many ways i try and make myself fit into academia, it just doesn't work. it clearly wasn't meant to be. if anyone hears of a job, let me know?

paris is all about the "kissy-face"

le marais, where we spend most of our time

paris graffiti

parisian picnic part i

picnicking on the southernmost tip of the île, place dauphine.

the afternoon ritual: one cup of tiny coffee, followed by a half-litre of wine. repeat.

no little people allowed.

very late nights in bastille....

"somebody" fell in love with paris shopping and got himself a stylish new suit.

kissy face at the top of the hill in montmartre

going to the bars in the rain. somehow, romantic in paris. not at all annoying.

the definitive french-girl's shoe: bensimon.

tiny, tiny coffee

parisian picnic part ii: most inexpensive and yummy dinner ever.

picnic on le pont des arts, a pedestrian bridge where everyone joins together at sunset each night to drink wine and watch the sun go down.

on the pont des arts, if you are in love, you attach a lock to the bridge with you and your true love's name on it. there are thousands and they are beautiful.

the sears model look

amelie's grocer

2010-07-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

packing music for paris (or, my current 12 favourite songs):

* the thermals~ returning to the fold
* grand archives ~ sleepdriving
* menew~ don't give up on us now
* wolf parade ~ oh you, old thing
* carissa's weird ~ so you wanna be a superhero
* crooked fingers ~ you can never leave
* arcade fire ~ suburban war
* edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros ~ 40 day dream
* elliot smith ~ waltz #2
* josh ritter ~ harrisburg
* phoenix ~ rome (live)
* we were promised jetpacks ~ it's thunder and it's lightning

2010-07-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

i'm getting a bit giddy... i've never had 9 straight days with just the boy i love. and in paris, of all places.

try as i might, this thesis chapter is refusing to come together... in anticipation of not doing well at my year-end evaluation, i've applied for two lawyer jobs. i've never properly fit into this academic world: weirdly, lawyers are happier, more accepting people than legal academics. regardless of what happens, though, i've loved having this year off. i finally got a chance to catch my breath...

* listening to: arcade fire ~ ready to start

2010-07-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Screening at the Toronto International Film Festival this year are two films that have me more excited about movies than i've been in years:

never let me go (the trailer makes me cry every.single.time) - must read the book in paris.

and blue valentine.

for the first time in a long time, i'm not working a crazy schedule in september and will have time to go to films, so i'm considering buying a ticket package to see as many films as possible.

2010-07-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

via jjjjound

five days until i leave for paris (or, as i like to think of it: the heavenly land of wine, bread & cheese). i am going to gain SO much weight while i'm there. as such, i'm attempting a pre-france diet right now that seems to be working only because i'm sick as all hell and high off nighttime cold medication (and thus am not the glutton i typically am).

we're treating this as the honeymoon we never really had. i absolutely positively cannot wait. just a warning: this blog is going to be very paris-centric for the next few weeks... if you have any complaints, there's something very wrong with you. xo

perhaps the greatest picture ever.

2010-07-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

nika & violet, in a brooklyn subway station, posing for their first band photo.

smitten.

2010-07-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

due to the heat, violet slept most of the trip. wooot!

brooklyn, as seen from our rooftop

the pix from my phone. dave got better ones. i shot most pictures on film, and will scan once developed.

* * *

new york was amazing. hot as hell (seriously, what is with this f&cking heat?!), but totally worth it in the end. i always feel more at home in nyc than anywhere else. you know you live in a stuck-up city (where the majority of torontonians get their egos from, i'll never know. we have no basis for this level of swagger*) when new yorkers come across as far friendlier and genuine. did you know that in new york you aren't made to feel guilty because you had the nerve to bring a child into public with you?! toronto, perhaps there's something to be learned from this.

we found the neighbourhood we want to move to if we ever get our act together and finally move there. then we realized that we can AFFORD to live there based on current near-identical property values between there and where we live now.

and there was a moment where i laughed harder than i think i ever have in my life. i needed that moment. these past few months have been hard, and the coming two months and choices i need to make for someone i love dearly will be harder on me personally than anything i've gone through before.

will write more about the trip later.... but for now, back to the thesis. we're in a bad place, me and my thesis. it's like we're in a crappy relationship and we're both too lazy to break it off. i'm so tired, i fell off the sidewalk walking the girls to camp today.

*except for me & those i love, of course.

* listening to: josh ritter ~ harrisburg

new york city!

2010-07-12T18:43:00.001-07:00

getting ready to leave for my favourite place on earth with my 3 favourite people. tomorrow, we'll head off on the road for new york. we're staying in a gorgeous brooklyn loft, with 2 days booked for brooklyn adventures, 2 days booked for manhattan adventures, and at least 1 day in.... montauk! we are heading across long island, avoiding the hamptons, and heading to the site of one of my favourite movies. we're arriving in nyc during a record-breaking heat wave, so i'm having to cut back greatly on the amount of manhattan wandering i'd planned to do. i have 20 must-stop shops, but other than that... no extraneous shopping apparently (except an upstate ny target stop). needless to say, i'm giddy. if only my darling thesis didn't have to accompany me.

* listening to: josh ritter ~ thin blue flame

and the covet continues...

2010-07-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

via

WANT this home...

thesis, what thesis?

2010-07-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

via

necklace

antiques

bike

i have a serious case of the covets today. i want soooo many pretty things. it's my bike's fault - she broke down right outside urbane cycle today and i had too much time to lust while they fixed her. then i cyber-lusted over antique home-furnishings and accessories...

in other totally unrelated news, my birthday is rapidly approaching! just saying...

2010-07-06T07:12:00.001-07:00

my new best friend just arrived in the mail.... just in time for nyc and to provide further distraction from my "writing". pics to come of the last week at the cottage. there was a lot of wine, and a lot of silly. i went on a rant about both Agamemnon and "lady frogs" at different points.

listning to: vintage national, always and forever.

heat wave.

2010-07-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

via here

it's hot out. like feels like over 40 degrees, and will feel like 44 degrees later this week. i love the heat. i adore lying around, so hot i can hardly do anything... however, i am attempting to write an entire thesis chapter in 3 weeks. and this heat is not helping my writer's block. instead, i'm heading to the cottage (when i should be writing), planning our trip to nyc next week (when i should be writing), planning our trip to paris in 3 weeks (when i should be writing), lying around in bed eating bowls and bowls of cherries because it's too hot to eat anything else (when i should be writing), sitting on bar patios until the wee hours of the morning (when i should be writing), watching entire seasons of old tv shows online (when i should be writing), and drinking perhaps a bit too much wine (when i most definitely should be writing).

frak.

2010-06-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

via here

*disclaimer: i'm trying to give the other side of the story here. the popular opinion is so well-represented in the media that i feel like it's being shoved down my throat. so i get it... most don't agree with me. but i still think you're dead wrong.

***

there are things i need to say about the g-20 and all of the physical protesting responses to it. all of which, by the way, i 100% support. i wish i did, but i can't stand by in quiet support of the growing displacement and oppression of the human race by the most powerful members of society. and i can't sit by quietly as the canadian "peaceful" mind-set expects us all to be good children and write mild-mannered letters to the editor and peacefully chant on the corner (or just sit and watch soccer) while permitting our country to dissolve into a police-state and our elected officials put forth policies that would be unconstitutional if implemented domestically (seriously, STOP reading this if you haven't educated yourself on the policies harper was fighting for).

people are fooling themselves if they think harper would ever have had to answer for the $1B security price-tag if only protesters hadn't "gotten out of control". that political decision was justified from day one. not because it's justifiable - but because we forget. canadians fail so well at democracy. we forget as soon as something unreasonable becomes inconvenient to remember and to fight against. we want to enjoy our lives and not remember the things that are upsetting to us. and i truly believe the protests wouldn't have occurred if the government hadn't treated us like caged animals under a dictatorship. strip away the rights of people, they will eventually fight back. if we had sat by and taken it calmly, that would have been wrong. change isn't happening. and things are getting worse. at some point, a powerful protest is going to have to occur if we want a better world. just think, for one moment, about the protests from the viewpoint of the people being marginalized and oppressed on a daily basis by the decisions made at the g-20. people who will never be heard or taken seriously. these protests could be turned into something good for them, and for change. but the new paranoid and hateful mindset that seems to be taking over most of canadian society is more akin to a conversation i recently had with a group of out-of-touch rosedale wealthy yuppies, who found it so amusing that anyone would ever have anything to protest in canada because life was simply so lovely.... for them.

so, clearly there are things that i want to say, but it will take me some time to properly formulate my words while too many are content to ignore and silence the anger at what is happening to us all.

continued vacation through photos...

2010-06-26T12:00:00.001-07:00

i think this is going to be a regular feature on my blog: "my week in photos". i'm switching almost exclusively to film once my much anticipated canon ae-1 arrives in the mail, but, barring major scanner problems, i will hopefully continue this trend once i make the switch.

this week has rocked. so little work, so much slackery.

the.perfect.day

2010-06-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

i don't think it would have been possible to have a more perfect day. the only good thing about g-20 invading toronto in a paranoid, fascist manner, is that most people can't go to work today and tomorrow, so it's a 4-day weekend. the boy and i spent it cycling around town, spending a great deal of time sunning on patios in the absolutely gorgeous weather (look at that super-blue sky!), lying in the grass in the park, visiting the farmer's market, and basically having a day-long kid-free perfect date. we're doing the same thing again tomorrow. i absolutely adore toronto when it's quiet and hot and random and unplanned. saturday, i will protest hard against the canadian government's stand on most issues at the g-20, but for the next two days, i am vacationing around town with the boy.

*listening to: pixies ~ monkey gone to heaven

the good.

2010-06-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

via weheartit

three weeks from today, we leave for nyc. i've never vacationed with my girls before and am wickedly excited to show them my favourite city in the world.

and i just found out that interpol is playing on my birthday, so i need to race home from the airport after paris, hug my kids 1,000 times, then kick it to the concert where, if all goes according to plan, one of my favourite people in the world will be waiting.

and tonight, handsome furs have announced a last minute show two blocks from my house. i'm a little giddy.

* listening to: handsome furs ~ the radio's hot sun

my weekend, via photographic evidence...

2010-06-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

Part I: the iphone pix

it was a ridiculously fantastic weekend... much of it cannot be posted online, and thus was exactly the type of break i needed.

listening to: calla ~ this better go as planned

2010-06-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

one of the best musical moments of my life. somewhere around the 2:04 minute mark. when i met* matt berninger. the person recording was a row or two ahead of me, so you can't see it. but, IT happened.

*or, more accurately, stood face-to-face with as he drunkenly sang his heart out, and then awkwardly poked. it may not have been my finest moment, but it certainly was the most teenaged-stalker-y moment i've had in yearrrrrrs.

2010-06-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

the view as i flew over winnipeg

there's a growing realization that, in this crazy fucking life of mine, i'm coming to a place where i can smile again. i have an amazing few months ahead of me. for the first time in years, i'm going to travel to the far corners of the globe to see people i love and miss dearly. i also have my friends here at home who continue to make me giggle through the madness and who make all of this worthwhile.

entering the law profession was clearly not my best idea, as it continues to exhaust me to my core. but, after spending the weekend in b.c. with 20 feminists, discussing the state of (in)equality in canada and what the fuck we're going to do about the dire situation we're in, i'm sort of feeling like i can do it. i came to my senses as i took the above picture... as i flew over winnipeg and the sun set in under two minutes, almost in fast-forward, i had an overwhelming sense of calm take over me. also, exactly 8 days ago, i touched matt berninger. it was truly a holy moment.

*listening to: love the way you lie ~ eminem ft. rihanna
full disclosure: i've been listening to this song on repeat for 12 hours. i love it. i can't believe that em wrote a beautiful love song. and of course, it's got the incomparable rihanna, who, in my mind, can do no wrong.

nyc!

2010-06-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

via here

my daughter has had a crappy year. so dave and i decided last night that we're going to rent a car, pack the girls up and take a road trip to one of our favourite places on earth... new york! we're renting an apartment for a few days in july and will show our girls the city we love so much. nika is beside herself with excitement. she's very excited for the art and music and shopping. i'm kind of excited too... i've only ever done new york in one way: sleep til noon each day, then do something moderately cultural or shop in the afternoon, then go for dinner and hit the bars until 4 am. i only ever go to moma or the whitney - never to the met, never to the natural history museum; i rarely spend much time in central park; and i never see the side of new york that *doesn't* involve PBR, hipster dive bars, soho shopping & lower east side debauchery. however, it won't be all new: we've decided to rent an apartment with roof-top access or a good stoop so that we can create our own little private dive bar after the girls go to bed.

2010-06-02T06:02:00.001-07:00

this song has been on repeat for the past 2 days... play it, turn it up, and dance around your house. it's the best.

there are no words to express how much i need a break from my life*. luckily, i have the national next week, dave's birthday, then a trip to b.c., then off to new york and then the toronto island concert. so, 2 weeks of travel and drinks and friends and fun and matt berninger. that should cheer me up.

* aka my mothering-duties. another tear-filled screaming morning with my daughter, finding out that she gave all our email passwords to a "friend", who then broke into her facebook and email. she must have been watching me type them in - i don't tell her my password or her passwords. she's way too young for absolute privacy. then, i find out that she is begging a boy to still like her via email even though he is apparently physically harming her on a daily basis. oh... to be young and submissive and incredibly stupid. another trip to the school for me, i guess. why did she have to fall for the emotionally unstable bad boy just like her mother always used to?!

2010-05-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

via here

Why didn’t anyone tell me that it would hurt this much to have children? Not in the obvious, time-suck, exhaustion, physically painful way; but rather, that when you love someone this much and they feel like an extension of you, that when they hurt or are afraid, or are sad, or whatever, you feel it 1000 times worse. Being the primary caregiver and best friend to a kick-ass non-conformist 10-year old girl is proving to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I can’t say I’m proving successful. I didn’t realize that my pre-adolescent wounds were so fresh, but goddamn, what we go through at that stage is raw and crippling and far too honest.

I woke up this morning and realized that this is the point where I usually cut and run. In every endeavour and relationship in life, when it’s gotten this hard, this is where I give up. When it takes more energy than I’ve got to just get out of bed in the morning. I’ve cried every day for the past two weeks. And no, I’m not crying all the time – in all other respects, life is good. It’s just this… this prolonged heartbreaking process called pre/adolescence. I don’t know that I have what it takes to make it through it again.

lost...

2010-05-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

i always thought of myself as a cold, heartless bitchy gal. but then lost had to go and end... and the finale... it just killed me. i sobbed. so many times. and then i watched it again tonight... and it still tugged those heartstrings and made me cry like a baby. i never understood why i loved it and i gave up on it so many times, catching up on the season in a weekend long after it was over. but it did something that television rarely does... it made me feel and think and argue and cry, not to the same extent as most fans online (that part of me is reserved for everything joss whedon: nothing greater than buffy, angel & firefly has ever existed), and while i will forever argue that alias was the superior jj abrams show (holla to felicity!), lost had something that i could never put my finger on. something that held on to me, no matter how i tried to ignore it, and for that, i have to respect and love it.

also, the alternate 'lost' endings aired on jimmy kimmel? the survivor one was GOLD. as almost no one knows, i am a rabid survivor fan (i hide it well), and combine that with my true tv love from lost, sayid? GOLD!

2010-05-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

mon petit garden...

three things, un-related, and in no particular order:

* i'm currently writing a book chapter on the state of equality in canada after r. v. kapp. i am presenting it in front of a bunch of kick-ass feminist scholars in b.c. in 2 weeks. it's fun, because for this book, we are all rewriting supreme court judgments through the lenses of feminism, racism, able-bodyism, classism, etc. Writing judgments is always liberating as opposed to standard articles because you can just state things to be true because you are the judge. you don't need to spend 10 pages reviewing the background theory and academic arguments on each issue. huzzah.

* my garden (above) makes me ridiculously proud. i am successfully growing tons of plants and flowers, basil, mint (there will be sooo many mojitos this summer), parsley, baby spinach, endive, leeks, lavender, and my favourite flower: the super-high-maintenance hydrangea. we have such a small house-lot, with three massive trees taking up almost all soil space, so most of my plants must stay potted. but they are beautiful and are thriving and this is a first for me.

* i have booked cars for several weekends away this summer, and that, coupled with our current heat wave, is a reminder that soon... very very soon, it won't be all work. there's going to be a hell of a lot of play this summer. also, i finally have my hands on wolf parade's new album. it is fantastic and definitely summer road-trip music.

* listening to: frog eyes ~ a flower in a glove

2010-05-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

via here

it's going to feel like 36 degrees (celsius) today. i am so giddy about this. i'm a sweaty biking mess this week, but very very happy. i'm also excited that the boy is allowing me to take him shoe shopping. for 8 years, i've been harping on about him being more adventurous to no avail. i think that with the stifling heat, he may be a bit disoriented and i will be able to steer him to something a bit classier than aldo.

things have improved radically since the weekend. who knew that pre-teen girls were prone to crazy mood swings? she's talked things through with her friends and things are gold right now. weird. i feel like i aged 10 years, but apparently i need to get used to the teen drama.

also, i have to keep pinching myself, but my parents have decided not to retire in toronto. again, i am giddy. i love them so much more when they aren't 2 subway stops away. while their choice of retirement city befuddles me (ottawa?? yikes.), it means i can see them on my own terms. wooot!

i leave you with the slice of paris, above. my file of things i want to do and see again while i'm there is growing at an alarming rate...

listening to: wolf parade ~ fine young cannibals

2010-05-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

my effy, via here

so glad this weekend is over. hands down the second-worst victoria day weekend on record. (don't ask about the first). the thing keeping me going this weekend? stolen moments on patios with friends. the weather was beyond gorgeous. 30 degrees and warm enough to sit outside allll night long. and i did at some point each day and night.

what made it so awful is to realize that i really have no extended family to speak of. my friends? amazing. the best in the world. i challenge anyone to find more interesting and wickedly funny and charming friends. however, i get jealous of them because most of them have phenomenal extended families that they are super close to. i have a handful of family members with whom i exchange pleasantries, but can have no real discussions, and then, being an only child, i really only have my parents. but my relationship with them has changed drastically in the last year, and is now... difficult. being an only child is one of the hardest things in the world, because it's all you. if there is any co-dependency going on (the standard being between mother and daughter) and things go wrong in the family? you have no one to turn to and it's usually your role to man up and make things better. it wasn't until i had my second child that i got sick of appeasing everything.

but see, i'm finding myself at a time in my life when i desperately need family (besides, obviously, my amazing husband). i guess i didn't read the handbook about pre-teens. i guess i thought that loving my kid and trying to be a good mama would be enough. but i didn't count on bitchy mean girls that would make her life a living hell. oh, mean girls. why don't you just fuck off? didn't my sleeping with your boyfriends in high school give you the message?

apparently not. i've spent $2000 today signing my 10-year old up for overnight summer camps (or, in her words, "prison"), so that she can get away this summer and meet better people, and preparing a script for when i go to her school tomorrow and turn primal mama-lawyer on the administration and issue a few choice ultimatums before i pull her out of the public school system and try to find a private school that doesn't make me sick.

oh, life. do me a favour and kindly fuck off for a while? you never fail to remind me that i will always be the scruffy girl in the picture above, perpetually from the wrong side of the tracks, and forever willing to take the world down in her fight for what's right.

listening to: jimmy eat world ~ disintegration

... 3 things.

2010-05-19T10:51:00.001-07:00

via here

(1) i have 1,000 butterflies in my tummy because i am presenting tomorrow at a conference. so, while i practice my crappy presentation, i am thinking ahead to tomorrow night, when i can curl up on the couch and take a few days off from the madness. needless to say, there will be much wine this weekend. come tuesday, i'll get back to work for my next conference in 3 weeks. write a draft book chapter in that amount of time? no problem. emphasis on the "draft", of course. due to lack of time, i'm going to rework a paper i wrote last year.

(2) i finallllly did something right at school. got my first A+ at u of t for the paper that i'm presenting tomorrow. marks were released this morning. had i received a B, i would be frantic right now, trying to rewrite the damn thing.

(3) we are booking our flights to paris tonight! and we have found the perfect flat with a little terrace in the 3rd arrondissement. soon, we can sit on benches and be all kissy-face while speaking french.

listening to*: radiohead ~ i can't

*i miss livejournal. on my blog there, i could list what i was listening to each time i wrote a blog post. i find it fascinating to know what people are listening to. so i'm reinventing that option here.

bike love!

2010-05-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

you have to double-click above - it embedded badly.

what rush hour looks like when 33% of people bike everywhere. i'm totally moving to the netherlands. why can't toronto look like this?

2010-05-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

* written by me & the boy, under the influence of much pinot

oh god. i found true happiness tonight. indian food + inniskillin pinot grigio + the boy + the national's performance at brooklyn music hall last night on youtube? i DARE you to find something more surreal and beautiful.

matt's outfit may have impregnated me with many imaginary babies -> plaid dress shirt + talent + vest + dress pants/dressy jeans + talent + pretty? = BEST.LOOK.EVER. love. also? the music was beyond ridiculously perfect. i love these guys so much that it almost hurts.

watch all songs from this event. PLEASE. SO good. even 'england' - the song that should be printed out and burned because it's so shitty. yes, even that damn song. watch it all. you will thank me. try to ignore the fact that between the string quartet, sufjan stevens, the weird piano player and the guitarist with the hockey hair, the national now has more superfluous touring members than Paul Simon.

in the corner...

2010-05-13T07:40:00.001-07:00

via here

those who know me well know that i self-destruct in situations where i have to play a false, vanilla person - where reality isn't welcome. i tend to drink too much, say stupid things, play endlessly on my phone (because otherwise I'm in danger of actually saying what i feel - i used to fill these moments with smoking...) and hopelessly wish i could be less visible (which, never seems possible - why the hell am i always so f-ing visible?) and hide in the corner with one or two amazing people, geeking out over something only we get and ignoring the masses. because the people who do well in these situations? i don't get them. they bore me to the point of madness with their chit-chat over nothing and their need to out-do each other, endlessly posturing. and it's not just that they bore me - they make me anxious and antsy and bring out the fight-or-flight response like nothing else. this was far too apparent at a recent social event. i've completely lost my ability to tolerate bullshit. i think it went the way of my 20's metabolism.

the people i love - they get all this. my favourite people are also stricken with social anxiety. and it's funny - we all find each other and confess how weird we are, but the truth is - we are a hell of a lot more interesting than most. we don't know how to posture, and if we attempt it, we fail miserably and people tend to laugh at us (and yes, darlings, i did actually notice the laughter). we're not built to fit in, and i've come to realize that that's a good thing. but goddamn, was it a long road to that acceptance. for so much of my life, i was a wreck, trying to fit into a mainstream that made me ill. i wonder if the mainstream realizes that there's a whole world that they never experience? something that isn't rooted in chit-chat and pleasantries and artificial feelings...

this little diatribe comes courtesy of reading pitchfork's review of high violet (below). i always knew there was a reason i loved the national, and i realize more and more that the reason is that they are real, with real passions and anxieties and all of the things that differentiate good, interesting people from those who choose to live in the posturing, false world.

The National became popular in a very traditional way: by releasing some really good albums, then touring the hell out of them. They're boilerplate indie, free of hot new genre tags or feature-ready backstories, which is something their detractors derive great joy from pointing out. If the National are important, rather than merely good, it's for writing about the type of lived-in moments that rock bands usually don't write about that well. The characters in National songs have real jobs, have uninteresting sex, get drunk, and lie to one another. They do so during the regular course of a workaday week, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The National aren't "dad-rock" so much as "men's magazine rock": music chiefly interested in the complications of being a stable person expected to own certain things and dress certain ways.

On the National's fifth album, High Violet, those constraints are starting to wear on them, which makes a lot of sense: they wear on most people. In between patches of obtuse imagery, singer Matt Berninger sounds increasingly self-destructive. The record's upbeat numbers don't cheer him up so much as commiserate with him. All of this makes High Violet a dark affair, even for a band with a reputation for sad-bastard melodrama. The National have never sounded triumphant, but they can still be reassuring, with Berninger's lyrics acting as salves for our own neuroses. Six drinks in, tired of your coworkers, wishing you could just go home and laugh at sitcoms with someone? Maybe get laid? The National's got your back.

Berninger is still, for the most part, a socially obsessed claustrophobe. He has upper-class guilt on "Lemonworld" ("Cousins and cousins somewhere overseas/ But it'll take a better war to kill a college man like me," "This pricey stuff makes me dizzy"). "Bloodbuzz Ohio"'s magnificent chorus ("I still owe money/ To the money/ To the money I owe") addresses the familiar, harrowing financial burdens of adulthood. He's best when he tones down the angst in favor of reflection or confusion. High Violet seems less likely to engender the personal connections of Boxer, but it's also bigger and more engaging-- a possibly offputting combination for a band following the footsteps of Echo and the Bunnymen, Wilco, and Arcade Fire. After all, eagerness often trumps execution, and the National aren't immune: For his part, Berninger looks increasingly like Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World, and his cryptic lyrics seem like an application for the title.

But the National rarely miss; when they aim for powerful or poetic, they get there. High Violet is the sound of a band taking a mandate to be a meaningful rock band seriously, and they play the part so fully that, to some, it may be off-putting. But these aren't mawkish, empty gestures; they're anxious, personal songs projected onto wide screens. Even if you don't consider yourself an upwardly mobile stiff with minor social anxiety, the National make it sound grand, confusing, and relatable.

— Andrew Gaerig, May 10, 2010

bright eyes

2010-05-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

via here

data recovery has so far failed. the hard drive is good and dead. at this point? it's almost funny. she committed suicide in a blaze of glory and took all my secrets with her. apple can't get anything off of her and now she's sitting at a shady data recovery shop where they will charge tons of money if they find anything.

however, i think i'm good just letting it go. i have a ridiculously amazing husband who has diligently located all photos except for a 4 month period last fall. i can live with last fall being removed from our permanent memories. i was working at the worst.job.on.earth and then applying for the worst.funding.ever while allegedly in school. i remember it being a shitty time, and, as such, do not need the souvenirs. i'd rather use the money a data recovery chop shop would charge to go to paris (!!!) this summer.

what have i learned from all this? well, obviously to double-check that everything is actually backed up instead of relying on apple's shitty time capsule. but, more importantly, as long as i have my photos, apparently everything else is disposable or otherwise recoverable. all of my music was on my ipod, so i've transferred it to the new hard drive (and backed it up to a new external!).

my thesis wasn't even on my radar of important things.... what does that say about me? yes, all the major documents were emailed to my supervisor and she's sending them back, but there are lots of little documents i made about different issues i was working through. honestly, i'm kind of relieved they're gone and that i can start over. it's weirdly liberating. this year was such a gong show academically that i kind of like getting a do-over. it's inspiring: yesterday i wrote more than i did all last week. it's like i need all the odds to be against me before i produce anything of worth. i'm weird that way.

my breaking point.

2010-05-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

so, i must be cursed. because i find myself on mother's day, crying into my back-up laptop. the one i bought a few weeks ago and asked dave to transfer everything onto. except he didn't. and then today, my main laptop died. for good. out of nowhere. she was a brand new macbook pro, and somehow her hard-drive just up and died. and she took with her every picture i have of my kids, all the movies of them growing up, all my memories from my travels, all of my thesis work, and all of my work for a conference next week that i now have to drop out of.

we had a time capsule, but she broke long ago, working only when we manually uploaded stuff onto her. and that never got fixed.

i don't think i've ever had a worse day in my life. i've sent my kids to their room, and have cried for hours. i think this might have been the breaking point in the depression i've been holding at bay all year. from leaving a job where i was abused on a daily basis to walking into a program where i have been reminded on a regular basis that i'm not good enough, i think losing the memories of the good stuff in my life might actually break me.

*edited to add: dave remembered we had an ibook up until last summer which had all data up until july 2009. so it's just the last 10 months that we need to recreate... so just my thesis and work for two upcoming conferences. and some pictures. this year has been such a time-suck that i've hardly taken any. i guess that's a good thing. now we wait for apple to charge us tons of money to run data recovery programs...

entourage, disbanded!

2010-05-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

violet, the bed-hog

dave gets home today. as much fun as it's been to have a girls' week, where we all pile into the same bed each night, watch old episodes of veronica mars, roswell and lost (ohmygod when did lost get so good again?? i had foolishly given up) and have pillow fights, i'm super happy to see him in a few hours. our family just doesn't work when one of us is missing. we're the perfect fit for each other and every day gets better and crazier and weirder and more inspiring.

also, as you can see above, i'll be happy to have part of the bed to myself. violet has the uncanny ability to go to sleep in a normal position, and then at some point through the night, she kicks everyone else out of the king-size bed, because she absolutely must sleep horizontally across the bed. there's also her requirement of bringing her entourage of at least 6 stuffed animals everywhere she goes, including bed. it's like hanging out with tracy jordan.

three things.

2010-05-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

(1) new wolf parade - 2 new songs, and a release date for their new album. above, one of my favourite vintage performances by them...

(2) my new favourite recipe website: what the fuck should i make for dinner?

(3) what's the third thing you ask? oh, just a new live performance by the national, rocking out a hugely improved (over the album) version of terrible love in an abandoned warehouse.

so un-feminist of me.

2010-05-03T06:25:00.001-07:00

my thesis is based on the dismantling of the patriarchal state - that most inequality is caused by the status quo of white able-bodied men as the norm. that is why the following is doubly hard to admit.

david left for nyc yesterday. and about an hour after he left, a giant (HUGE) wasp came into the house. normally, this is not a big deal, as david will awesomely kill it within a minute. however, apparently i can't handle this manly task. for an hour or five yesterday, the girls and i were squealing and screaming and running in and out of the house trying to kill him or disorient him or just run him out of the house with our high-pitched girliness. well, he won. he later retreated to the basement to sleep. we decided to name him "henry", and tried to co-exist so long as we couldn't see him. we all climbed into my bed, shut the door and tried not to have too many nightmares.

this morning, we came downstairs, couldn't find him anywhere, felt empowered by his absence, and went about our day. then, at 9:15, the laziest wasp you ever met came sauntering up the stairs and perched himself on our highest window where i can't reach him. thus, the picture above: violet and i have decided to move outside. we now live on the front porch, where i am all jumpy and squealy about the wasp, and violet calmly reads the paper and eats her bagel.