stunned faces, nervous laughter, "no, but seriously.... what happened??”
this is the response that i get from virtually everyone who I have told about my summer.
SUMMER 2014, MAN. at times, it was like being the low-paid protagonist in an absurd yet sad and kind of dark and twisted slapstick indie movie. Like, maybe it was a comedy? But one where you’re like…. No, this is too depressing and uncomfortable - people won't find this funny.
It had all the elements of a cult favourite. There was a sociopath, of course. There was attempted cat murder (she’s fine, $7,000 later, in case SHE ever asks). There were desperate lies and gossip and blackmail. There was flooding, poison ivy, trashed houses and I’m sure there was a locust or two in there. there was unimaginable sadness in the promise of a baby that then wasn't and there will be no more and there are still no words to describe what that means to me. this summer left me both heartbroken and liberated. but most of all, it left me all kinds of lost. i still can't figure out how to reconcile everything that happened with who i used to think I was and where I guess I thought I fit into this world. Navel-gazing 101, I know. There's been a lot of me stopping short in my tracks because nothing that was happening felt real, at least not in the sense that it was happening to me in my life as I knew it. my life felt more and more like some Lifetime movie that i was being forced to pay to watch.
Thankfully, Summer 2014 was not all plague and pestilence and loss. I can now talk about what happened because, even in what seemed to be insurmountable madness growing around me, I have never felt more loved and wanted. People just showed up and kept showing up. They planned grand road trips and adventures. They forced me to dance when I wanted to lie in a heap on the bathroom floor. They forced me to laugh when i found it hard to get through an hour without sobbing. They forced me to see reason when i cried that i must be the most worthless person in the world to deserve what was happening. And, thankfully, they forced me to get the fuck out of the house when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, binge on Netflix and eat sour cream & onion chips and possibly never wake up again. There were fireworks in my honour (literally). And, there were constant willing ears for my mid-night venting sessions that I’m sure made no sense, and warm hugs and coffee and no judgment the next morning.
when i stop to think of my life these days, i almost tear up. In a really embarrassing way that is usually only reserved for holiday viewings of Love Actually (when that damn kid is running through the airport and Colin Firth starts speaking broken Portuguese, kill me!). I am a lucky, lucky girl. Obviously not lucky to have things like Summer 2014 happen to me (BECAUSE, NO THANK YOU), but lucky that I've got these crazy roots that allow me to wander and question and have minor freak-outs as I try to find my way back from the summer chaos. I've got the fiercest, most loving and delightfully eccentric people in my life and that's all a girl really needs. sociopathic shit will happen, and you will feel lost in life. but it's a luxury to be able to go through all of that, get really immersed in being lost and know that there's something pretty spectacular waiting for you once you've figured out who the hell you are and how you fit into everything.
/end cheesy Lifetime "what I learned this summer" PSA